HUMOR, Rest and Recreation

[alizaracelis]

I've opened this thread, for people to share (wholesome) jokes, fun stuff, entertainment miscellanea, things to make people rest and relax...

Let me start off by sharing the contents of wonderful material from the 'MOTIVACIONES' section of Father Luis de Moya's "Fluvium.org" Web site.

The file is called “Relájate, Escucha, Admira” [“RELAX, LISTEN, ADMIRE”] found here:

http://www.fluvium.org/textos/documenta ... sterio.htm

GREAT TIPS FOR RELAXING AND ENJOYING LIFE!

1. Walk 10-30 minutes daily. Smile while walking.
2. Enter into intimate prayer before your God, at least 10 mins. daily. Enclose yourself, if needed.
3. Listen to good music daily. It is genuine nourishment for the spirit.
4. On waking up in the morning, say the following: ‘God: Thanks for this new day.’
5. Live with the 3 E’s: Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy.
6. Play more games than you played last year.
7. Smile more than you did last year.
8. Look up to Heaven at least once a day; realize the majesty of the world around you.
9. Dream more while you’re awake.
10. Take in more food that grows on trees and plants, and less of those manufactured in plants or those that require more sacrifice.
11. Eat berries and nuts. Take green tea, lots of water, and a cup of wine each day (be sure to make a toast with it, for the many beautiful things there are in your life, and if possible, do it with the one you love.)
12. Try to make at least 3 people laugh each day.
13. Take away the disorder in your house, your car or your worktable, and let new energy flow into your life.
14. Don’t waste your time on gossip, things of the past, negative thoughts, or things outside of your control. Better to invest your energy in what is positive in the present.
15. Realize that life is a school, and that you’re there to learn. Problems are lessons that come and go; what you learn from them is for life.
16. Have a king’s breakfast, a prince’s lunch, and a pauper’s dinner.
17. Smile and laugh more.
18. Don’t let any opportunity pass to embrace someone you esteem.
19. Life is too short for wasting time hating somebody.
20. Don’t take yourself too seriously; nobody does, anyway.
21. You don’t have to win every debate. Accept that you’re not in agreement, and learn from the other person.
22. Be at peace with your past; thus, you won’t ruin the present.
23. Don’t compare your life with that of the others. You don’t have any idea what path they’ve traveled in life.
24. Nobody’s responsible for your happiness except yourself.
25. Remember that you don’t have any control over what happens, but yes, over what you do with it.
26. Learn something new each day.
27. What others think of you is none of your business.
28. Help others always. What you sow today, you shall reap tomorrow.
29. It doesn’t matter whether the situation’s bad or good: it will change.
30. Your work won’t mind you when you fall ill. Your friends will. Keep in touch with them.
31. Throw away whatever is not useful or nice or funny.
32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
33. The best is yet to come.
34. It doesn’t matter how you feel: just get up, dress up, and go (be there).
35. Love always with the fullness of your being.
36. Call your family & relatives frequently and send them mail. Tell them: Hey! I’m thinking of you!
37. Every night before you sleep, give thanks to God for another day He’s given you.
38. Think that you’re too blessed to be stressed.
39. Enjoy the trip. You’ve got only one chance: make the most out of it.
40. Please send this message to the persons who matter to you.

[Tweet this; put this link on your Facebook or blog; stick the link everywhere.]



Contents of the file in the original Spanish:

1. Camina de 10 a 30 mins. todos los días. Mientras camina, sonríe.
2. Ora en intimidad con Dios por lo menos 10 mins. cada día. Enciérrate, si es necesario.
3. Escucha buena música todos los días. Es auténtico alimento para el espíritu.
4. Al levantarse en la mañana, di lo siguiente: Padre Dios: Gracias por este nuevo día..
5. Vive con las 3 E’s: Energía, Entusiasmo, Empatía.
6. Juega más juegos que el año pasado.
7. Sonríe más veces que el año pasado.
8. Mira al cielo al menos una vez al día; date cuenta de la majestuosidad del mundo que te rodea.
9. Sueña más mientras estás despiert@.
10. Come más alimentos que crezcan en los árboles y en las plantas y menos alimentos que sean manufacturados en plantas industriales o que requieran un sacrificio.
11. Come arándanos y nueces. Toma té verde, mucha agua y una copa de vino al día (asegúrate de brindar con ella por algo hermoso de lo mucho que hay en tu vida y, de ser posible, hazlo en compañía de quien amas).
12. Trata de hacer reír por lo menos 3 personas cada día.
13. Elimina el desorden de tu casa, tu auto y tu escritorio y deja que nueva energía fluya en tu vida.
14. No gastes tu precioso tiempo en chismes, cosas del pasado, pensamientos negativos o cosas fuera de tu control. Mejor invierte tu energía en lo positivo del presente.
15. Date cuenta que la vida es una escuela y tú estás aquí para aprender. Los problemas son lecciones que van y vienen, lo que aprendes de estos es para toda la vida.
16. Desayuna como rey, come como príncipe, y cena como mendigo.
17. Sonríe y ríe más.
18. No dejes pasar la oportunidad de abrazar a quien aprecias.
19. La vida es muy corta como para desperdiciar el tiempo odiando a alguien.
20. No te tomes a ti mismo tan en serio. Nadie más lo hace.
21. No tienes que ganar cada discusión. Acepta que no estás de acuerdo y aprende del otro (de la otra).
22. Ponte en paz con tu pasado, así no arruinará tu presente.
23. No compares tu vida con la de otros. No tienes idea del camino que ellos han andado en la vida.
24. Nadie está a cargo de tu felicidad excepto tú mismo.
25. Recuerda que tú no tienes el control de todo lo que te sucede, pero sí de lo que haces con ello.
26. Aprende algo nuevo cada día.
27. Lo que la demás gente piense de ti no es tu incumbencia.
28. Ayuda siempre a los demás. Lo que siembras hoy, lo recogerás mañana.
29. No importa que tan buen o mala sea la situación, ésta cambiará.
30. Tu trabajo no se ocupará de ti cuando estés enfermo. Tus amigos sí lo harán. Mantente en contacto con ellos.
31. Desecha cualquier cosa que no sea útil, bonita o divertida.
32. La envidia es una pérdida de tiempo. Tú ya tienes todo lo que necesitas.
33. Lo mejor está aún por venir.
34. No importa cómo te sientas, levántate, vístete y asiste.
35. Ama siempre con plenitud de tu ser.
36. Llama a tus familiares con frecuencia y mándales correos diciéndoles ¡Hey, estoy pensando en ti!
37. Cada noche antes de acostarte da gracias a Dios por un día más que has vivido.
38. Recuerda que estás demasiado bendecido como para estar estresado.
39. Disfruta del viaje. Sólo tienes una oportunidad, sácale el mayor provecho.
40. Por favor, envía este mensaje a quien te importa.

[Antares]

is the blog of a friend:

http://vivirconhumoresmejor.blogspot.com/
Antares

[alizaracelis]

Antares! It's so nice to see you here! And THANKS for the link

To the readers: there are LOTS of wonderful stuff on these links...but I'm gonna need your help to translate from Spanish to English...



Hey, did you see those blog entries on “vivirconhumoresmejor” [= It's better to live with humor]? They’re great stuff!

http://vivirconhumoresmejor.blogspot.co ... -results=7

10 January:

A blonde…
…went off to smoke
…then put on her new shirt
…then ‘Ready, get set…’ … um…
…and almost misses her train! …

9 January:

1st cartoon: self-explanatory

2nd cartoon: Say “thirty-three”… [see what Roman soldier answers] hahaha!

3rd cartoon: “Doc, it’s been a week that I’ve not been eating, sleeping, and drinking water; what do you think I have?” Doc: “Hunger, sleepiness, thirst.” hahaha!

...

GO LOOK!

[alizaracelis]

This is such a great web comic!

Frame (1): Look, look...

Frame (2): Whoa! Cool! What a modern gadget!

Frame (3): Well, me? I haven't used a watch since I bought myself this mobile phone... Look, look...

Frame (4): Mom?! WHAT TIME IS IT?

[wmpetzall]

A proper decision by the courts... for a change.

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days... The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..".
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

[alizaracelis]

What is the definition of:

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students
without passing through the minds of either

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before

CLASSIC:
A book which people praise, but never read

SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life

YAWN:
The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth

ETC:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do

COMMITTEE:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together

EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their Mistakes

ATOM BOMB:
An invention to bring an end to all inventions

PHILOSOPHER:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip

OPPORTUNIST:
A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river

OPTIMIST:
A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

PESSIMIST:
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY

MISER:
A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

FATHER:
A banker provided by nature

CRIMINAL:
A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught

BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

POLITICIAN
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence Later

[alizaracelis]

LAUGH TIME!

http://vivirconhumoresmejor.blogspot.co ... ncias.html

Cartoon:
Frame 1 "How do paper editors see Internet editors?"
Frame 2 "How do Internet editors see paper editors?" Hahaha!

Table of equivalences:

"A tiny second = half an hour.
I'll just look quickly at my mail = 45 mins.
A moment = One hour.
I'm coming! = 3 hours.
In half-hour I'm off = It's already dawn."

Hahaha!

[alizaracelis]

I found this interesting blog called "The Catholic Comedy":

http://triptbishop.blogspot.com/

"Providing A Catholic Sense of Comic Relief for A Would-Be-Tragic Age"

The blogger, Randy Beeler, says of himself:

"I am a happy convert to Catholicism who seeks to find in life, literature, and the culture "the Holy Ghost over the bent/World brood[ing] with warm breast, and with, ah, bright wings!" (Hopkins). ..."

--o--o--o--o--o--

Randy Beeler is easily "friendable" on Facebook via the widget on his blog [link above].

[alizaracelis]

A great way to learn Spanish... --> the HUMOROUS way!

http://vivirconhumoresmejor.blogspot.co ... entes.html

"Intelligent" students:

Teacher: How do you divide 11 potatoes among 7 people?
Student: Mashed Potatoes, Ma'am.

Teacher: "Juan, conjugate the verb 'caminar' in the present indicative."
Juan: "Yo camino, tú caminas, él camina…"
Teacher: "Much faster, please."
Juan: "Nosotros corremos, vosotros corréis, ellos corren."

Teacher: “ 'Llovía', What tense ['tiempo'] is that?"
Student: “It's very bad 'weather' ['tiempo'], Sir!.”

Two students arrive late for class. Their excuse is as follows:
Student 1: "Sorry, Sir, I woke up late, coz I was dreaming that I traveled to Polynesia...and the plane arrived late."
Student 2: "Ah, Sir, and I went to pick him up at the Airport."

Teacher: "Give me 5 things that contain milk."
Student: "Yes, ok Sir: A piece of Cheese and 4 cows."

In an oral exam, in a Law course:
Examiner: "What is FRAUD?"
Student: "Fraud is what you are committing, Sir."
Examiner: "Huh?!? What do you mean?!? How's that?!?"
Student: According to the Penal Code, he who takes advantage of the ignorance of another in order to harm him is fraud."

Teacher: "Ok, Ana, show me on this map where North America is."
Ana: "Ma'am: here!"
Teacher: "That's correct! Now students, tell me: Who discovered America?"
Students: "Ana!!!"

Teacher: "Now, tell me the truth, Julio: Do you pray before meals?"
Julio: "No, Ma'am; I don't need to. My Mom is a great cook!"

Teacher: "Arturo: Your essay "My Dog" is exactly the same as the essay of your brother. Did you copy his essay?!?"
Arturo: "No, Ma'am, it's just that ... it's the SAME DOG!"

Teacher: "Carlitos: How do you call a person who keeps on talking even as the others are no longer interested?"
Carlitos: "Professor."

[Jean-François]

Yesterday I was at the Opus Dei center for the evening of study, like each Wednesday. A friend was preparing the dinner in the kitchen.
When I saw there were carrots, I said : "it's good for the sight, I never saw a rabbit with glasses" LOL ! :-D